First Entry In Ages

Over the course of just five short years, I've managed to lie to over three dozen women into sleeping with me, by promising them the world. I've recycled lines that I've realized work for me, to get them to be my sexual conquest.

I guess, in a sense I have my mother to blame, she taught me that compliments are the way to a woman's heart. When I was about five years old she told me that a compliment consists of stating kind words to another individual that evoked a kindness from the bottom of your heart. She gave me examples like telling a girl she has pretty blue eyes, or a nice summer dress, or her hair looks especially good today.

So I took those examples and came trotting towards a man that must've been on the brink of death, you know, one foot in the door one foot out. As I, this little fuckin' shmuck decided to approach him, I noticed his eyes, his crystal clear blue sky eyes. This man, who was wheelchair bound and clinging on to dear fuckin' life, and I said to him, 'You have the most beautiful baby blue eyes I have ever seen, they look like water.' He smiled like a clown, having both sides of his lips almost stick to his old floppy ears, like his denchers stick to his mouth every fuckin' morning that he wakes up. My mother was baffaled and couldn't control her laughter from escaping her mouth as she whispered to me, 'He's blind.'

I was so ashamed, I swelled and blushed like a plump tomatoe, and had sweat drip between my lightly visible brows. I felt like a dog that tried to please his commander and poorly proformed the task at hand, only to be forced to put his tail between his legs. From that moment on, I promised myself any compliment I ever shell out to anyone will be specifically catered towards them.

Finish it later, drunksssssss

untitled 3.13.10

She said, 'Sorry for betraying you... I want to die.'
I said, 'I don't care. I know what you did, and now, you will not survive, without me.'
'I'm not meant for this world', she said, 'Will you take me back?'
'No.' Now, I fuckin' regret it. I want her so bad.

So I went to my friend, her name is Sam and she gave me advice that I took from her, she said, 'Forget her. Don't let her run your life.' Her wisdom surpassed her age.

But, she didn't know what we had. Yeah, love, it was love. But , I ruined it and fucked it up for the both of us and more. Oh fuck.

Just because we did it again, doesn't mean we are together again, it doesn't make you my girlfriend again... And I know, its harsh. But you did it to me so many fuckin' times and you make me want to cry; and I do. In my room, listening to tunes that we used to listen to together. To songs we swore we'd be together forever... And I know, it's you. And I turn my back and I saw something, something I never thought I'd ever see. I saw you drift out and away from me.

FIN.

2010

2010

That's fuckin' crazy.

So just to recap 2009:
I got shitfaced and ridiculed and mocked my brother verbally and abused him physically.

I went to Atlantic city and won about ten grand and lost it all.

I almost got into a fist fight with a Russian that was fourteen years my senior, who threatened to put me in a wooden box in a basement in Queens.

I got a bum to pull a gun on me on the train.

I lost a girl who was the first person I ever really thought I felt a sincere connection to.

I got a new job.

I got some of the shittiest grades ever in college.

I danced on stage and made a fool out of myself.

I almost had a threesome with a former educator.

I fucked a girl that literally I couldn't believe I got a chance to, but left her once she got fat.

I finished off a bottle of vodka in one night between two friends in my building's staircase.

I got into an car accident with a parked car.

I drove to Queens by myself with a permit.

I got my permit suspended.
I got into a car accident being a passenger.

I stayed at a hotel for the first time with a friend.

I payed for a hotel with another friend.

I spent two days in the Jersey Shore.
I fell in love a past lover.

I fell out of love with a past lover.

I found true love with a girl I believe is perfect for me.

I found true love with the same girl and realized she will never be exclusive with me, for no other reason other than; I have trouble getting it up.

I lived to tell the story.

So for the first time ever, someone wrote something to me, for me, about me. That doesn't happen. It made me speechless. It was something I apparently inspired her to write after I sent her a text.
Here it is:

A satelite in space facing the earth
Though there are billions of people and places,
Importance is in one verse.
"A boy in Washington heights sees the world in your eyes."
Little does the boy notice,
He is blind.
Blinded by the ray that he shines.
Bright enough to bring color to space,
Expose the darkest black hole
And brings hope to ones soul.
Beyond my iris,
Is his reflection.
Possibly that is why
He sees the world
In my eyes

hahahaha

Fuck.
I feel like shit.
I feel horrid, vile, just fucking disgusting.
It's strange.
I have this overwhelming emotional concoction consisting of this uninvited guilt and anxiety.

It feels like it's pouring out. But it took me a while to notice. I feel like a walking pair of eyeballs. Tired and restless; eyeballs at that. The only other parts of my body I feel is my chest and stomach. My chest feels like it's being brutally bashed inward. My stomach feels as though it has multiple knots on the inside, that are being pulled out like a game of tug-a-war.

I want more than anything for this feeling to disappear, but, at the moment it feels like this will be a never ending torment.

I want to fucking scream.
I want to fucking cry.
I want to just wake up and believe she never left me.

I want to stop thinking about her. I want to think about her forever.

I want to bash my skull against every brick building I've come across in New York City, ever since she fucking left me. I can't stop thinking about her. Not because I have no control, but because I want to be attached to her. I don't want to lose her, for indefinite and prolonged periods of time.

I JUST WANT HER BACK IN MY FUCKING LIFE!

10.18.09

I sat there at a deserted green painted, metallic table with you. Staring into your eyes. Your beautiful brown eyes. With those long lashes that curled just at the right moment, to make you seem so inviting.

It's said, 'That a person's eyes is the window to their soul.' Well, if that's really really fuckin' true. Well then, you my dear must have such a pure and untouched soul. I mean, something that evokes and epitomizes greatness. After all only a beautiful soul could be hidden behind such a breathtaking and memorizing window; such as those sitting inside your skull. I listened attentively and slouched forward having my elbows sit on your thighs and my cold, swollen, numb hands propping my head up toward yours.

You spoke about the only bo--man you've ever loved, or at least thought you loved. My mind wandered in and out of the conversation; from thinking about how beautiful you truly are, to thinking about every opportunity I had missed thus far to kiss you, to how fucking cold it was in the middle of October. I took my hand from underneath my head and smiled at you then put my cold, moist hand into my constricting pocket and took out my cell phone; just for a mere moment to take a peek at what time it was currently. 3:40 in the fuckin' morning I was astonished.

You noticed and happen to ask, 'What time is it, Boo?' In my mind I smiled, I really enjoyed being called that, even though I know I wasn't the only boy, you call that.

I replied, 'It's ten minutes till four in the morning.' She smiled at me. I didn't smile back. Not because I didn't want to, I just took to long to smile, and finally when I could get the cold muscles in my face to make the proper facial expression to much time had passed. So I deemed it obsolete and decided it was too late. There was an awkward pause between the two of us.

You adjusted your yellow hand-knit hat, and proceeded to ask me, 'Don't you think it's rather fuckin' strange how we have both just been sitting here talking for the last four hours in the middle of the night on 34th street and haven't noticed a single person passing us by?'

I replied, 'I hadn't actually noticed till you mentioned it, Dear.' She wrapped her legs around mine and pulled her seat closer using my legs as though it was a rope with her legs. I found that to be too adorable for words. I told her she makes me happy. I told her how there is no other place I'd rather be then here with her, right now. Right now in 30 degree weather.

Fuck this. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I want to write something realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.
PETER IS A LOSER! :D

'Sebastian, I don't miss your political incorrectness, nor your silly nose ring, and shaggy bird's nest for hair,' She said. I couldn't understand where that came from. But... The fact that she said that, actually, well, hurt. I don't know why it affected me. I mean, I only knew the girl one week. If even.